Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My Intervention: The City

In last night's episode of The City, cuntface Olivia Palermo not only makes poor Whitney late for Jay's didgeridoo band, she proceeds to do a false favor and back stab said didgeridooer Jay by making fun of him at a charity event. It is time for an intervention. In the spirit of Candy Spelling's open letters, I feel as though I am left with no other choice but to write an open letter to Olivia.
Dear Bitchlips,
I appreciate that you are a social climber in every sense of the word and that you act like your shit doesn't stink, I really get it, I do. But let's be honest here Olivia, you're out of you league. It's one thing to live a life of shallow and bitter jealousies but it is far more dangerous to swim with the sharks of reality television. I mean, you're from Connecticut and your trying to step to Aussies? Do I need to remind you that Whitney went to USC? That's straight hood right there, don't play girl! Oh no you didn't!
You're cousin Nevan is utterly disgusting in every sense of the word and probably a good rule of thumb for what you would likely look like without all of your nips and tucks to your weasely face. He's like the real life version of Robert Downey Jr.'s character from Less Than Zero only way less forgivable. Perhaps while he is freeloading in your closetless apartment and leaving his skanky socks out for your company to pick up you can offer him some money so the next time he gets arrested for soliciting a cock eyed street whore in Palm Beach he can pay for his blow job with cash instead of Oxycontin. Did I just say that? Oh yeah, I did.
Well, I could include the parts where you have tried to buy yourself into NY's high society and even your publicist couldn't fix your given status of Persona Non Grata, but I'll just cut to the chase. If I have to look at you roll your muskrat eyes one more time or flip your Shirley Temple weave, I am going to go OFF! Don't bring shit up to Whit Whit at work and then snap at her about keeping your work relationship and your social relationship separate. You brought it up bitch!
In conclusion, I can't wait to see what is coming to you cause it's going to be something colossal. All scumbag, hater wenches always get their due and yours will hopefully be in the form of dating Spencer Pratt. Suck it.
xoxo,
Lucinda

14 comments:

Blushing hostess said...

Oh. I don't even watch this and I nearly fell off my chair. Perfectly horrid, no one should have to watch this putrid nonsense. Well done!

Tamstyles said...

DAMN HOMIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you gave to her ass!

Paloma {La Dolce Vita} said...

This is sheer genius. Love it!

Olivia really is so damn bitchy. She gets worse with every episode.

thevoyageofv said...

Couldn't have said it better myself.

♥ Chloe said...

Almost perfect, but you forgot to include something about her perfect eyelashes and how you want to drive to NYC and rip them off her stupid eyelids.

Oh no wait. That's me that wants to do that.

Aartee said...

This is way too funny!

katiedid said...

I am going to have to come here more often.

Caitlin Ryan said...

she is a total phony bologna bitchface that olivia.

Scandalous Housewife said...

Her "society" cover is blown with the fact she has a "job". If Whit doesn't give her a So. Cal beat down next episode...

captivateme said...

cackling in the corner right now. LOVE it.

Chelly said...

omg did you really just say her dues will come in the form of dating spencer pratt?!?!?! That is classic! Too funny.

The Lil Bee said...

I just want to say, I f'ing LOVE you!!! OMG. OMG. OMG. Love. I can't wait to hear your spicy commentary after tomorrow's episode!

Dobbygirl said...

LOL! That is FANTASTIC! I remember watching this episode. She really is a piece of work, but I was trying to be nice in my post. Just cut off her head in the pictures ;o) that makes it better on so many levels.

BTW her cousin Nevan is such a creep. He reminds me of the kind of guy who's idea of a "date" is slipping a girl some roofies, you know what I mean?

The Townhouselady said...

I just peed my pants a little.

Bitchlips! LOLOLOLOL!!!

Dear god I love you Lucinda!