Friday, February 20, 2009

My Intervention: Tamra from RHOC




This BITCH! Okay, we all saw Tuesday's episode, we have been watching all season and we are all fed up. Tamra Barney continues to disgust, we have had it. Once again I feel as though Tamra has left me with no choice. In the spirit of the great Candy Spelling, I penn my second open letter, my second intervention which has come all too soon. You're welcome.


Dear Torpedo Tits,

You disappoint me Tamra, you had so much potential. Like a busted mess Phoenix that rose from the Glendora trailer park ashes to become Orange County realtor trash, you had the Bravo television world at your fingertips. Your teenage pregnancy, your McTuscan Tract Mansion, your sun damaged chest, you had it ALL! Yet you have fallen from grace.


If you take nothing from this intervention, I need for you to understand that you are not the hottest housewife in Orange County, and that ain't sayin much. Don't ever say that again, cause God don't like lie tellin. Your jobless husband is a skeezer and probably boning Kara Kehoe. Your son Ryan is rapey-faced and even more of a loser than you'd ever dreamed. Your other seven kids aren't on the show much but in due time I am sure we will all see how fubar they have all become. You are a hot mess of a fool, and your shallow jealousy is just plain trifling at this point.


You consider Lauri to be glamorous and you're so far up her shovel faced ass it's pathetic and frankly I'm embarrassed FOR you. You have sunken your buzzard talons into poor Gretchen and Droopy Dog has become your sidekicking beastoid. It's ugly TAMRA, just like your BeBe clearance rack of a closet. And speaking of closets, please paint over that faux finish in your house, it is fucking killing me. I already get nauseous from the fact that I know your home smells like raw hamburger meat and I really can't take on any more of this. DO IT!


On to my point, please do us all a favor and do not return to RHOC. I feel as though you owe it to the fans, we deserve better than seeing your bratty antics, your desperate attempts to hold onto fleeting youth, and I still have a headache from the glare your veneers give off on my flat screen. I think collectively, we would all be happy to pay for your Botox, Lucite heels and Lee Press Ons, which probably more than equals what Bravo pays your freak family.


Did I mention that you are looking more and more like Dina Lohan? Well you are.


Figure it out bitch, desperate ain't cute. You do still however hold the honorary title of "Empress of Sun-In" in my heart of hearts.

C yoU Next Tuesday,

Lucinda

8 comments:

the sweet life with olives said...

ha! so well put!

SGM said...

Take that, Tamra! Ha!

Well done, Lucinda.

I especially loved the C yoU Next Tuesday, and then I scrolled down to linen hand towels. I think you have achieved perfect balance. :)

(by the way, I think the Countess may need an open letter too, but wait until her antics next week. She is SUCH an asshole)

Lucinda said...

Not to worry SGM, The Countess is at the top of my radar!

♥ Chloe said...

Bravo, bravo. *claps*

Anonymous said...

Let Tamra know your thoughts!!

tabarney@aol.com

or call her at 949-388-6081

Lucinda said...

Thanks Anonymous! I will totally call Tamra as soon as I am finished doing hoodrat stuff with my friends.

Anonymous said...

The number goes to Heather Thomas' voicemail?

Paloma {La Dolce Vita} said...

How on earth did I miss this? Bravo! I can't stand her.